The Past, Pain, and Time

Semarang, June 6, 2015

4:10 PM

Kelak aku akan menulis dalam sebuah bayangan. Tentang masa lalu yang pernah kelam. Begitulah kita harus mempertahankan apa yang sudah menjadi ketetapan. Lemah memang terkadang, tak apa memudar asal tak sampai hilang. Apapun yang terjadi kita harus menggenggam apa yang sudah menjadi keyakinan. Dan jangan sampai sekalipun melepaskan. Memang ada kemungkinan, dari situ kita akan belajar banyak jenis pesakitan. Tapi tidak dengan cara yang akan seringkali membuatmu hina dengan luka yang tak akan pernah sembuh perihnya kecuali dengan kematian. Tidak. Aku tidak melebih-lebihkan. Lihatlah, betapa banyak manusia yang menderita hanya karna masalah yang kita lihat begitu simple, sederhana, tapi terasa begitu rumit bagi mereka.

Aku hanya mengenali banyak permukaan dan terlalu takut untuk mendalaminya. Kadang aku menjadi skeptic terhadap sesuatu yang jelas pasti kevalidannya. Seringkali aku juga begitu ketakutan mengetahui hal baru dalam hidup. Terlebih yang berkaitan dengan rasa sakit. Hal yang paling sulit manusia lakukan adalah menahan. Dan hal yang menjadi keharusan bagi mereka adalah memilih. Lalu hal apa yang paling sering manusia kerjakan? Menyesal. Ya, begitulah pengulangan kerjaan manusia dibumi.

Ada beberapa hal yang bahkan pelaku tak ingin ketahui tentang dirinya. Dia terlalu naïf mengakui bahwa dirinya hina dan nista. Memang benar tempatnya manusia adalah salah dan lupa. Aku. . . tak akan menghardikNya lagi atas ketidakmampuanku sendiri menahan diri. Dia sudah begitu baik selama ini. .dan akulah yang mengabaikanNya.

Baiklah. .saatnya berbenah tak harus menunggu waktu yang tepat. Ketika ingat maka kerjakan yang seharusnya. Masa lalu memang sudah ditakdirkan. Aku hanya harus mengubah dengan elok caraku melihat masalaluku. Selama ada waktu, pasti masih akan ada masa lalu masa lalu lain untuk masa depanku. Waktu adalah hal yang berharga bagi manusia. Waktu adalah zat yang paling menentukan yang Tuhan anugerahkan kepada semesta. Waktu adalah segalanya. Waktu yang menciptakan sakit, waktu pula yang menghentikannya, kemudian menambahkan sakit yang lain, lalu menyembuhkannya. Waktu adalah zat yang paling misterius yang Tuhan ciptakan untuk kita. Waktu adalah pengingat. Hanya waktu yang mampu membuatmu tiba-tiba bahagia kemudian berduka, begitu sebaliknya. Jika waktu tak ada. Maka tak ada kehidupan diantara kita. Waktulah yang Tuhan ciptakan pertama kalinya sebelum ruang sebagai kombinasi dan semuanya.

Waktu adalah kaki tangan Tuhan yang Dia cipta untuk merangkul hambanya :)

Ummiku Sayang

Semarang, May 26, 2015

10:58 AM

Untuk Ummiku Sayang

Ummi, bagaimana mungkin aku selalu mencari cara untuk mengakhiri hidup hanya karna untuk memuaskan pikiran gila ini, sedang disana engkau berjuang untuk tetap hidup hanya dengan alasan yang sangat sederhana “mba Ajeng adalah semangat hidup ummi, ummi akan terus hidup apapun derita sakit hati dan badan yang ummi rasakan, selama mba Ajeng bahagia, ummi akan bahagia, dan ketika mba Ajeng sedih ataupun sakit, ummi pun akan merasakan sakit.”

Ummi, menelfonku adalah kebiasaan wajib bagimu menurutmu. Sekedar menanyakan “sudah makan?” ataupun “sudah sholat”, bahkan “mba Ajeng sehat? Ummi kangen. .kapan pulang?” aku tahu ummi, masa lalu kita tak begitu baik. Aku sadar betapa kita tak bisa menebak alur hidup yang kita jalani di bumi. Aku merasa bersalah dan hina telah dan masih menganggapmu menjahatiku dimasa lalu. Engkau pasti mempunyai alasan bukan?

Ummi, bahkan ketika aku sakit, engkau selalu dikaruniai firasat kuat oleh-Nya. Engkau tahu bahkan sebelum aku beritahu. Aku yang begitu manja dan sering membuatmu khawatir hingga sebesar ini, bahkan tak jarang menyakiti perasaanmu dengan kata dan perbuatan yang membekas dihati. Namun kau tak pernah mendendam, sengguh, sungguh ketika aku sakit, engkau benar-benar ikut menderita. Do’amu yang sentiasa menyembuhkanku, ummi.

Ummi, ingatkah kebiasaan kita sewaktu menelfon. Ada aturan sendiri yang menururutku lucu namun beradab “siapa yang menelfon, dialah yang memberi salam duluan, mengakhiri dengan salam, kemudian menutup telfon.” Suatu hari ummi menelfonku, namun aku sedang dijalan dan suara lalu lalang kendaraan membuatmu kecewa. Akhirnya kukatakan padamu “ummi, nanti Ajeng tlfn balik kalau sudah sampai.” Dan akupun langsung mematikan tlfn darimu. Namun tiba-tiba engkau menelfonku kembali, dan hanya kalimat ini yang engkau katakan “tadi ummi yang nelfon, kok mba Ajeng yang matiin? Ummi juga belum salam, assalamualaikum.” Ingatkah engkau kejadian itu ummi? Bahkan aku belum sempat mengucapkan sepatah kata pun dan engkau langsung mematikan telfon. Ummi, itulah salah satu hal yang menunjukan bahwa engkau adalah sosok yang agak humoris. Ya, agak, karna tak jarang kau menutupinya L

Ummi, maaf karna aku tak sering mengatakan ini padamu, bahwa aku sangat menyayangimu. Dan maafkan juga ummiku sayang, karna aku belum begitu becus menunjukan sayangku disetiap kata dan tingkah sehari-hariku. Dengan sengaja atau tidak, aku masih sering melakukan hal-hal yang mebuatmu khawatir, aku selalu membebani pikiranmu, aku selalu merengek “aku punya jalan hidupku sendiri, aku suka menjadi diriku sendiri.” Diri yang kelakian katamu, diri yang masih aku pertahankan. Ummi, anak perempuanmu ini sungguh tak tahu cara bersyukur.

Ummi, aku percaya engkau menyayangiku, aku percaya . . .aby tak jarang mengingatkanku, akan perjuanganmu ketika akan melahirkanku, nyawamu kau pertaruhkan demi bayi perempuan yang kelakian ini. 12 bulan, iya, satu tahun aku didalam kandunganmu, sungguh masa-masa yang sulit waktu itu, hingga jika hari rabu itu aku masih tak mau keluar, kamis sebelum jum’at kliwon engkau bahkan harus dipasung di dusun itu, jimat. Adat desa mungkin masih kental pada masa itu. bersyukurlah bayi perempuan yang tumbuh kelakian ini akhirnya keluar. Walaupun dengan kaki yang membengkak raksasa, dan nyawa yang hampir melayang, engkau berhasil mengeluarkanku, ummi. “hormati ibumu, dia yang mengandungmu selama 12 bulan, waktu yang lebih lama dari umumnya ibu mengandung, jangan membantah perintahnya, jangan sakiti hatinya.” Begitu aby sering menasehatiku.

Ummi, aku percaya engkau menyayangiku, bahkan bayi perempuan yang tumbuh kelakian ini, sering melupakan perjuangan muliamu. Usahamu membuatku perempuan selalu teringat, ummi. Kau belikan aku berbagai pakaian “wanita”. Memberiku hadiah-hadiah “wanita”. Mungkin untuk menyadarkanku, dengan halus, tanpa paksaan. Aby pernah bilang padaku “ummimu sedang berjuang memerempuankanmu kembali.” Namun aku tetap cuek dan tak memperdulikan itu. L

Ummi, anak perempuan seperti apakah aku ini? Hingga engkau gantungkan separuh hidupmu padaku? Layakkah aku menerima penghormatan itu? ummiku sayang, bahkan anak perempuanmu yang masih kelakian ini, belum mampu berjanji untuk membahagiakanmu. Mulutnya hanya mampu berdoa dalam hening. Ummiku sayang, banyak hal-hal kecil tentangku yang engkau perhatikan, bahwa aku mempunyai kesulitan dalm berbicara, bahwa aku mempunyai kesulitan mengungkapkan apa yang aku pikirkan, bahwa aku keras kepala seperti bapaknya, bahwa aku egois, yang ingin disayang lebih dari adik-adiknya, bahwa aku suka musisi bondan prakoso dan pesepak bola cristiano ronaldo, bahwa warna favoritku adalah hitam, bahwa aku suka masakan sayur brokolimu, dan banyak hal lain, yang sebelumnya aku tak menyangka engkau mengetahuinya sampai satu persatu hal-hal tersebut terbukti.

Ummi, lalu adakah hal-hal kecil tentangmu yang aku perhatikan? Aku hanya tahu bahwa engkau sedang menginginkan kerudung yang sering dipakai mamah dedeh.  Aku hanya tahu betapa engkau sangat menyukai setiap kostum yang dipakai mamah dedeh diacara televise itu. suatu pagi ketika aku masih tertidur di kamar, engkau ketok-ketok pintu kamarku, engkau bangunkan aku, engkau paksa aku melek dan menyeretku ke depan layar televise “mba Ajeng, itu baju dan jilbab mamah dedeh yang ummi pengen, bagus kan? Sederhana tapi cantik.” Ya ampun, ummi bangunkan aku hanya untuk untuk menunjukan kostum mamah dedeh? Dalam hati aku menggumam, ada-ada saja ummiku ini. Namun yang keluar dari mulitku adalah mengiyakanmu “iya, bagus, cantik, dan aku pun tertidur kembali di ruang tv.

Ummi, kita mempunyai banyak cerita dalam diam, kita pun mempunyai banyak rahasia dalam cerita. Ummi sungguh, rangkaian kata tak mampu membuatku hebat dan membuktikan bahwa aku menyayangimu, walaupun rasa sayangku tak pantas dibandingkan dengan rasa sayangmu untukku. Tetapi ummi, jika sayang adalah do’a, maka sholatku adalah buktiku bahwa engkau adalah sosok yang paling aku sayangi demi nama Allah yang maha kasih dan sayang.

Ya Allah. .Sehatkanlah ibuku. Lindungilah beliau disetiap hela nafasnya. Sayangilah beliau sebagaimana beliau juga sangat menyayangiku. Mudahkanlah segala urusannya, baik urusan di dunia maupun akhiratnya. Terangilah hatinya dengan cahaya dan hidayahmu. Damping selalu ibuku. Ummi, doaku dinadimu.

Anakmu yang menyayangimu

Ajeng Inayatul Ilahiyah

The Mystery of Shadow (She)

The Mystery of Shadow

“You are not alone, your shadow is always following you.”
she convinced me, and I am calmer.
she does understand me.
she keeps watching the light.
ensure that I'll never be alone.
I become so paranoid when it’s suddenly dark. 
I’ll never find my shadow following me when it becomes so dark, 
then I’ll feel so alone when it really comes. 
That’s why I never get along with the dark. 
I don’t want to be alone, 
I m scared of suddenly dying alone, then die, still alone.
a loner never really wants to be alone

who is she?

she doesn't like being asked
she is fencing
and doesn't want to be seen
she is hiding
she can hear your voices
she just pretends to be deaf
she doesn't like to talk
just gives a sign through staring
she is longing to be loved
she is just too imperious
she is so pity actually
well i've let you know the secret

no more coffee

Repent

coffee coffee coffee

i do love you but i can't be with you

oh coffee my dear coffee

i do want you but i just can't have you

you are no longer my friend

then i should say good bye in the end

sometimes it's too hard to say

that i can't just keep to stay

now the cup must be feeling empty

as i let you run away finding the new mate

but i won't let my cup be empty

because i'll find another better new mate

sorry for the farewell

i hope you don't choose hell

for torturing me being addict

till I am really, really being sick

repent repent repent

Nightmare

empty, dark and dusty room of the most secret nest

March 4, 2015

“Rhyme to Nightmare”

What do you know about nightmare?

Is it something bad mere?

If so, have you ever deliberately been ready to dare?

Every single moment in dreams put you in fear

Sometimes it feels like in hell

But the hell is some place we created as well

The place we usually ring the bell

To call away our angel from paradise cell

Hey you who never believe in

This is not a kind of drama queen

Those are located in between

Where you can neither leave nor live in

Tell me how the way you’ll take

These nightmares are not for form’s sake

To the moments they always make

As simple case of I keep awake

Sometimes I am waiting for my turn

Get engaged and make all involved burn

for bringing back my angels to heaven

in spite of scar within each moment

Does somebody hear my voice?

I have desire to make them freeze

So somebody help me please

Rearrange this rhyme and take some risk

Please, to this

Rhyme in Peace

Let the soul find its mate, and there is no wrong to wait

Rusunawa Unissula Semarang

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

6:52 PM

“That’s why there is a thing called soul-mate”

It’s not your heart which is broken

but your soul which has been long time rotten

I told you that words are weapon

Why don’t you lose it as it’s a burden

As to love is not heart obligation

It is the soul will take any action

So you don’t have to kneel down on the floor

This is not about fight or war

This is just a little thing that comes up from the core

The feeling that you’ve been waiting for

Such  symptom to love somebody more and  more

Awaiting the proper and worthy to knock its door

The time is closer so just wait

I know you wonder but don’t be hesitate

Your soul has found the ins and outs of roulette

Make its own move to sense its mate

No one can’t deny a thing for it becomes one fate

So does its orders assure it is never too late

to full it

The destiny will make it

The real feel of something real to the one seems unreal

"This unreal is really real, I bet in on feel"

I miss you like I m longing for the summer and winter

occur surrounding the place I murmur

Because I know you are alive and you live somewhere

So all days and night I search on the way to get there

But somehow,

People think I am insane

They say what I do is vain

That only bring me pain

Surely I am not insane

They just don’t understand what true love is

See what I’ve been through as disease

This natural feeling is something I can’t resist

It’s even growing stronger and untamed like a beast

Nobody knows

How could it rouse

It feels like a curse

containing willingness

But somehow,

The only happiness I can  reach is when I miss you

Going to sketch your shape as I want to

Trying hard to get something real from you

the one I fall for, who make me come into

a destiny that drive people call me freak

doesn't change me become a weak

 Even if someday I am too suffered and sick

There is no power to this feeling can break

But somehow,

I’ve seen the light quietly glow

Set off the wind softly blow

Then the air-glow gently flow

Now illumination slowly show

This affection is deeply sincere

a truth I've had bout you mere

but the real of you is never been, dear

No matter how fervent I make it clear

I will never say goodbye though

this feeling will forever dwell in my soul

Keep my heart from the low

Save pieces to the whole

But somehow,

where there is no morrow

it comes to me no sorrow

because somehow

I am now really low

low

low

so low and mellow

here we go,

Before day leave afterglow

Let us make a deal

do you ever feel what I feel

apart from this is real or unreal?

and answer me whenever you will

-for to the real-

Global Warming oh Global Dying.

Drive Less Walk More

Global warming is the environmental issues which lead to global climate change caused by human activity. It happens when the earth’s temperature heats up because of the increasing emissions of greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide, water vapor, nitrous oxide, methane and chlorofluorocarbon. Increasing greenhouse gas emissions indirectly caused by human activities such as excessive in using energy, the rapid increase in technology but not used wisely, careless with the environments and many others. The main impact of global warming is the unpredictable weather changes. Global warming might also led to many disasters around the world. Moreover, it is likely that emerging of new strange and infectious diseases are may also the impacts of global warming. This situation causes a lot of dangers for the earth and all living things inside, and it seems that we may exactly have made it all worse. Sadly, this inconvenient truth about inevitable dangers of global warming for many parts of the world has been spread in everywhere, but still less people who really care about that.

However, it is possible that global warming issue will be more threatening for our living if we do not take any action to solve it. Self-improvement is important. We need to wake up and build up our self-consciousness to change. Taking care with the environments and all living things around us are good ways to save our planet earth from nasty global warming effects. We can start by not throwing the trash in somewhere. Then, if we cannot stop the deforestation, at least we can do reforestation by planting the trees as much as possible we can do. A single tree could absorb one ton of carbon dioxide over its lifetime. Thereafter, we also can save a great number of carbon dioxide per year by recycling just half of our household waste rather than accommodating it or throwing it carelessly so it would pollute the environment. Furthermore, we need to avoid products with a lot of packaging. When we are able cutting down our garbage, we are not only caring with the environmental but also reducing the emission of carbon dioxide gases.

The other solutions in the matter of global warming are choose the energy efficient appliances, and use them judiciously in our daily life to reduce the carbon emissions. Replacing one regular light bulb with a compact fluorescent light bulb might save a few pounds of carbon dioxide. Besides, simply turning off our TV, DVD player, computer and another electricity device or energy appliance when we are not using them also can reduce the carbon emissions. We often keep plugging our phone charger whereas we have done with it, but it is quite likely that unplugging phone charger when it is not used is as important as saving energy use. If we can, replace AC with fan and use the refrigerator as needed to reduce chlorofluorocarbon gases in the atmosphere. Likewise, when we can, use our hand to wash our clothes instead of using washing machine. We should walk more than drive. By walking or biking, it is not impossible that we may save one pound of carbon dioxide for every mile we do not drive. We can use the public transportation rather than private vehicles when we will travel long distances. It can reduce both the emission of greenhouse gases and congestion.

In addition, we should not fight alone to save the world where millions people live there. We need to remind them about the dangers of global warming. We need to invite them to do what we do in order to save the world. We need to speak up to make them wake up and together make changes with our life styles that tend to destructive. This global dying of global warming is might getting threatening to our life in the earth if we just keep ignoring the warning. If we are children, we can start by ringing a bell to our parents for making a little change in their life. They need to care about our live in the future. If we are parents, we should concern what would happen in the future when we maintain the breath of global warming go on living in the only one earth we belong, to breathe our fresh air and change it with the polluted air. If we have neighbours, we can collect them to do such counselling what we have already known about the dangers of global warming in order to do changes. From one to one, from group to group, from a little to a lot, we should believe that we can do that.

The last but not least, I need to emphasize again that global warming is not a trivial case. Global warming is a global warning from God to us. Remembering that we may the main cause of global warming issue, it should drive us to change. We have to know and remember that a little thing we can do is a big mean for our living. There are a lot of simple things we can do to decrease emissions of greenhouse gases. Spread to the world and encourage our friends to open our eyes and ears of the dangers of global warming to the world. Make our live to be more useful by doing the good deeds and remind each other for the common good.

dear Mom, I am sorry but I love you :)

Unrequited First Love

“The Bitternes of Unrequited First Love”

(adapted from the story of a girl whose heart is unstable now)

In the corner of the most romantic place in my school, I found my worth little everlasting thing in the world. In a quiet beautiful park with many trees and benches underneath, I got the most impressive experience throughout my life. When the wind smelt slow and cool when it blew, something thrilling had happened to me clumsily, but it was true. No one could never guess what had exactly done to my heart just because of him. It was about 5 years ago, when I was younger , when I was in Senior High School.

I loved him at first sight when he was accidentally stood before me and smiled at me in that park. It was my second special place in this school after my room. Deg! I felt my heart stopped beating for a second. My cheek was blushing without clear reason. It brought my heart to heaven. Then I saw so many butterflies in him, love sign through his eyes that only I who could see and define it. Who was he? And how could he find me here, under the third tree from the left, the biggest one, the best one to hide.

However, those were not my questions when the first time I saw his face, but why could not I release the gaze of him at all. I thought it was my fate to meet him here. The place where I used to be alone and muse. God sent him to accompany me in the following days. I didn’t know how could it be. He may be very ordinary person for others, I guessed, but for me he was so different, I sensed. He stole my heart with just one look, and it just took a minute. I just fell in love at the first time I saw his face. That was really first love at first sight.

I could not erase his shadow from my eyes. His cool face fascinated me for a while. Till I felt so breathless at the moment. Oh my God, I was asking by myself. What it was? What had happened to me? Was it something which people call by love? I did not understand and I did not want to understand. I just wanted this feeling alive eternally. I did not find out who he was, in what grade he was or in what class he was. I concluded that whoever he was, if he was truly created for me, then we would easily find the way to meet again and unite.

A year ran hardly to me without seeing him again at least for the second time. Nevertheless, in a year I always came early to the school. I waited for another coincidental moment with him, but it never happened. I started being wonder whether I had been dreaming of prince, delusion prince whom I met last year in my secret nest that was also an imagination or it was really him. I became surrender being silent. I wanted to look for him. However, I did not know how to do, how to start finding him while I had not been sure with everything about him and his reality.

Moreover, I had difficulties of social lives. I used to think that I was better alone, no friends or companies. I never engaged with others’ conversation. I lived in my own life, and just because of him, should I change myself? I was really confused. On the following day, I tried to be normal girl in my school. I pretended to be more friendly with others and started sharing my nicest smile after long time ago I never did it. Love was earnestly more mysterious than its mystery. The evidence that it brought me to another world, love had been seriously shaking my life.

This is the first day of the new academic year in my school. I was in mathematics and natural science class. I felt that I started living in the real life by thinking of someone other than myself. 5 minutes after the bell rang, a good looking teacher got into my class, and the one that really startled me was a boy behind him. Oh my God, was this real? He was him. He was truly exist and real. He looked at me and smiled again for me. Without command, my heart was beating louder, and my blood was flowing so profusely after seeing him, in the second time. I just let it crash. My feeling inside. For once in my life, I didn’t have to tried to be happy, cause when I saw him it just happened. He made me so alive and he gave the best for me, love and fantasy.

Yet, who knows? The story was not end as happy as my dream. A day after he got me flowery cause his gaze and his smile to me, I saw him again, of course, because we were in same class, but he was not alone. There was a girl walked beside him came in the class together. They looked so intimately. Before I escaped from this  moment, he had successfully weakened my energy by his words “I am going to wash my hand, dear” to that girl, then he went out. Did you know what? The girl was a girl who sat behind me. Besides his love, so his smile, his gaze, were those all not for me too? What was this? Who was he? Why did he do this to me? why did he come to my life? How could he easily change everything about me then break my heart? we even never got a real conversation. What a miserable waiting! How purblind I am. No sobs, no speaking, my tears just fell down. I was numb.

Fake can be just as good, anyway.

Hitam putih kehidupan

Saat bahagia, tertawa lepas tanpa dosa

Saat bersedih, menangis . .meratapi diri tiada henti

Sulit sekali di ungkapkan dengan kata-kata

Saat tawa dan tangis menyatu di dalam jiwa

Tawa kebahagiaan dan tangis kesedihan

Jalan fikir manusia selalu berbeda

Pandangan tentang suatu hal  pun tak sama

Bagaimana caranya untuk mengerti dan memahami

Hati serta perasaan sesama

Memahami dan mengerti diri sendiripun tak bisa

Terkadang ku merasa heppi

Dengan tingkah mereka yang menyakitkan hati

Sungguh tak dapat ku mengerti

Kenapa ku masih bertahan dan peduli

Di dunia yang penuh sandiwara ini

Apakah untuk mereka yang tak tau

Dan bahkan tak pernah mau tau, siapa sebenarnya diriku

Atau mungkin untuk-Nya

Yang telah memberiku nyawa

Lalu untuk apa menyembah-Nya, jika terpaksa

Jika hidup ini sia-sia

Dan tak ada cahaya

Yang menuntunku menuju jalan-Nya

Mengapa kau biarkan hidupku sengsara

Tanpa tongkat yang menyangga

Tiada teman saat suka dan duka

Dhohirku tangguh, namun batinku rapuh tiada tara

Tuhan, biarkan ragaku melayang sempurna

Kan ku raih surga-Mu disana

Yang tak pernah ku dapatkan di dunia yang fana

Pemalang, December 26, 2010

Bahrul Ulum Islamic Boarding School